I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize