Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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