I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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