Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
