also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
