Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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