Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize