I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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