I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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