Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
