i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
