every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
