i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
