No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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