I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
