I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
