Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
