I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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