sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
