I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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