Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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