He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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