Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
