i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
