I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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