you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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