Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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