Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
