Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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