DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
