My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize