i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize