Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
