It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
