my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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