the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
