This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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