i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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