You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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