one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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