I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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