On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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