all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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