Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
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