her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
