For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
