Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
