he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
