Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize