i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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