You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
