Where is the hickey?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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