I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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