I must be too annoying 4 u.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
