My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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