i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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