If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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