We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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