My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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