He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
