Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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