i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
