I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
everyone is single if you try hard enough
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
