To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
