trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
