just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
